Duck It

When once there used to be a time when you wished for company, when you wished someone would notice the distress resting in the cornermost parts of your eyes, you're bound to become someone you wished you had.

You make sure that each and every person, irregardless of who it is, is in fact a-okay. 'Are you okay?' , 'Did something happen?' , 'Tum theek hain na?'. It bothers you that you were not present to help that person. That maybe you have a share, even if very small, for not noticing that someone was going through something so big. You blame yourself for being so blind and conceited and so stuck up on yourself that you don't even have the time to give yourself a break.

And it's not that you're all well set with everything going right in your life, with you being the kindest person alive (dont worry I'm not) and always being liked by other people. You are a home to self - doubt, overthinking, an inability to open up, and a very, very irrational fear of people leaving. Insecurity if you must.

Unfortunately this also brings in a lot of trauma dumping when you think you finally found someone who understood you. Who you thought would be there to pick up your call when you're having those kind of episodes. You blindly trust people with too much at the wrong time. Majority of cases, the 'person' you so wished would stay or even be there as a concerned individual, obviously ends up not being that. And once the communication faulters, with a little too much oversharing, you're the one holding the shorter end of the straw.

You're conditioned to find the best in people even when they have done immeasurable damage to you. In the end, it's not even a thing you can boast about. It's not a thing anyone should be proud about either, no matter how romanticised TV shows make it. It's weakness in the rarest form of it all. Though you have high endurance, or atleast outwardly endurance, I fail to believe that you don't care enough when one of your close friends accidentally blurt out something that triggers.

and in the end, that longing continues.